News for the Politically Literate

CIA rejects secret jails report. Director Michael Hayden threatens to post classified documents on his MySpace page.

Paris Hilton is sent back to jail. As a result, several teenagers in suburb somewhere learn true injustice of US penal system.

Heavy rains set off flooding in southern China. One inner-city Brooklynite wonders whether rumors true that China skies rain only crispy duck and soy sauce.

Marijuana law in Connecticut gains ground. According to new law, it will be acceptable to partake in cannabis only whilst playing golf, wearing white polo and/or making subtly prejudiced remarks against blacks and judaism.

US viewers watch Sopranos finale. Local NJ police officer "stunned" to learn Tony Soprano part of mafia.

Spurs show no mercy in dismantling Cavaliers. Cleveland fan compares game to experience of watching David Cronenberg movie.

2008 Olympic merchandisers employ child labor. Corporate chief justifies one child's exhausting and meticulous stitchwork as "really good training for summer handball event."

Top Afghan law officer assaulted. In order to ensure justice, officer contemplates bribing himself.

Box office for horror movies is weak, verging on horrible. In related news, Special Features Boxed Hologram edition of "Scream" trilogy sells out on Amazon through pre-order.

Veteran US "The Price Is Right" TV host, 83, retires. Apparently, Barker had nervous breakdown one morning while trying to guess price of new iToaster.

US develops "Bear bot" to rescue wounded troops in Iraq. Robot reportedly performs emergency amputations with gentleness of a Berenstain.

New Spike Lee film to honor black WWII soldiers. Chris Cooper to play really crusty, racially prejudiced white soldier.

Doctors fear child epilepsy drugs may be unsafe. Possible side effects of heeding their warning include mild episodic loss of attention, sleepiness, severe convulsions, sudden recurring attacks of motor, sensory or psychic malfunction, irritation of nervous system and siezures.

Better ear implant gives new hope to deaf. In related news, student at local deaf school excited about listening to Linkin Park album.

House defies Bush over stem cells. As trump card, Bush to reopen investigation on abduction of Lindbergh baby.

Apple announces Windows browser. Sweet, then Adobe Acrobat Reader won't work on Macs either.